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Her friend

There’s this girl , she has a friend , her friend, when she wakes up makes her think about everything that can go wrong that day , when she’s with her friend she puts on a pair of grey shades , the grey shades only allow her to see in grey , when she goes to work , and if someone doesn’t smile back at her , her friend automatically tells her that the person doesn’t like her very much . She then feels very heavy and out of place , if people are laughing in a room or if they don’t invite her somewhere her friend tells her that they were talking behind her back and that they don’t want to be around her , when that happens she feels sad and wants to change who she is to be able to fit in ! When she tries something new , her friend again reminds her of everything that can go wrong with her idea instead of pointing out the positive things that can go right ! Her friend follows her home and when she gets to go to sleep she sometimes forgets to take her grey shades off , when that happens , her friend reminds her of all the mistakes she’s done , the sad memories and makes her feel worthless because of these overwhelming thoughts and it takes her forever to fall asleep ! She can go on like this for days , she doesn’t go out in public much unless she has too because her friend makes her feel awkward , out of place and imposing ! She stays away from social gatherings when she’s with her friend because it’s not a good fit .Sometimes she tries too hard because she feels that people won’t like her the way she is ! Some mornings they don’t want to go to work because it’s too hard for them to go out and they give up . On some days she doesn’t talk to her friend and in her car she finds pink shades , when she wears those the world seems way more beautiful and everyone is way nicer , her days are filled with sunshine because she sees the world in pink ! When she gets home she gets a call from her friend Anxiety , and sometimes she doesn’t pick up because she knows how anxiety is , she loves her because she part of her , but she doesn’t want to be around her because she hurts her ! Maybe , one day , the girl will get rid of her grey shades , she just needs to figure out how ! Do you have a friend like this too ?

Tiffany Barba

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Spices anyone ?

We all know how eating is the main thing we all need to function 100% in our everyday lives . I like to cook , but having three kids , I don't want it to take too long ! We all have our own financial struggles or not , I'm ok but I want to learn how to cook on a budget ! My farm house is waiting for me, therefore , I need to start saving ! So here is my cooking plan for the next year ;

– my groceries cost me about 450$ a month !

Now if I divide 450 by 30 = I get 15$

So each meal costs me 15$ to make each day so 3 times a day is 5$

– Being an independent consultant with epicure I have the tools to make my budget go down and save ( you don't have to be with epicure FYI )

Ok , lets start with breakfast the most important meal of the day :

So this recipe costs 1,30$ / serving times 4 = 5.20 *if your a vegetarian you can replace the eggs with tofu

Oatmeal and fruit : cost 1,86/ portion ( oatmeal is a great source of energy ) what's awesome about these steamers you pop them in the microwave 2 minutes and your oatmeal is ready ! 1,86$ times 4 = 7,44$ now knowing I buy oatmeal in bulk I can save 1,50$ on it and you can replace the milk with water , it's less creamy but it works so I'm now saving a 2$ , minus 3,50$ I get 3,94$ ! Awesome right ?!

Egg Mc muffin healthy version costs 1,62$ / portion 6,48$ for 4 * remember we saved in the last recipe so it's ok !

Let's go see our lunch menu

Let's go with a colorful soup 0,65$/ portion 2,60$ wow perfect !

This recipe calls for possible leftovers , freeze and reheat !

Quinoa salad et goat cheese ( I'll probably use feta ) 0,86$/ portion 3,44$

Tuna bowl a little more pricy but once in a while 2,49$ / portion times 4 is almost 10$ but I know that my children want really like it so let's say just for me 2,50$

Supper time

Pasta casserole 0,77$ / portion 3,08$ wow for a plate with shrimp in it that's impressive !

Meatloaf 1,11$/ portion 4,44$ saving again !

This recipe book is 25$ and you can find it here :

Let's see the final numbers : all these recipes added together give me 29,78$ let's say I pick 3 = 8,99$ / per day times 30 = 269,70$ per month now everybody needs variety and I know that some ingredients will be used again for other recipes and that I can substitute with cheaper things . I'll add 75$ my total is 344,70$

So I save 450$-344,70$ = 105,30$ x 12 = 1,263,60$

All these recipes take up to 15 minutes tops to make , if you want to start eating clean and if you want to know what's in your plate go check my website , you will find a variety of things from recipes to spices and ready to make meals for everyday life !

What are you're cheap alternatives for meal ideas ?

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Loss..remembering Grandmamou!

Many of you haven't heard from me in a while … the reason behind it , well my grandma got sick ! The one person who always backed me up when I need it , the one with whom I lived with for 3 years . She always believed in me and my dreams and we were close , she was my everything. They say you don't know what you have till it's gone , the thing is , I knew what I had , I just didn't know how hard it would be to get use to her not being there anymore !

In the end of April , she was feeling sick and had pain . She went to the doctor and it took her about 1 month to get results of her tests . The day she got the call from the nurse that told her she would be transferred to the oncology department is the day everything fell apart. I remember her calling me and telling me this so I said to her so that means you have cancer , she said no theirs transferring me to the oncology department, so I said that's the cancer department. She didn't know , and I so easily without thinking just told her the worst thing . I can tell she started not feeling good her breathing got heavier and she said I'm going to call you back . When she did I felt something wasn't right , I live 2 hours away from her house so I called my aunt ( her sister ) and said hey I know you might be tired ( because she had been driving my grandma to her appointments for a whole month ) but grandma is not feeling good , she said ok let me call her . She ended up going over and took my grandma to the emergency that's when they gave her the diagnosis!

It's was maybe 10:00 pm when my aunt called me from the hospital , she said it's not good hunny , grandma is sick , she has generalized cancer ! I was in shock and in disbelief In my head she was going to survive this and it will be fine she will get treatment and we are going to be ok ! So the next day I went to the hospital my grandma was still in the emergency , waiting for a room . The doctor came and we got to ask all the imaginable questions! So the plan was to control her pain so she is comfortable and then give her chemotherapy and she would be able to go back home . So she was admitted in palliative care around the 24th of may , they said it wasn't because she was dying but because when they had free rooms they put patients there ! My grandma hated the word cancer , she didn't want the doctors to even pronounce it but they had too . She would say I'm going to fight , I am not dying , I'm going to go back home ! One weekend I went to sleep at the hospital with her in her room and she asked me are you scared of dying , anyone who knows me can tell you that death is the one thing that terrifies me the most . So I said yes , she said I'm not scared , the only thing that bothers me is leaving all of you guys behind ( me, my mom, my sister , my brothers , my aunt , and my daughter Saralina ect ) I brushed it off your not dying, your going to bug me forever ! She was going to cry and said let's not talk about his anymore let's change subjects , so we did and then we fell asleep .

As the weeks went her pain was getting worst and her cancer that was on her lungs and liver had now went to her kidneys her other lungs , her back ….. my grandma kept that secret because we didn't know all of that . She also didn't get the severity of what she had , she didn't want to believe it ! My grandma was a funny human being as my aunt would say she was a hippie, she was a free spirit and everyone she would meet felt safe with her and she grew on people , they loved her almost instantly. In about the second week of June the doctors and the nurses made us all realize that she wasn't going back home . Her only wish was to go home even if it was just for a night and she wanted all of us to be there with her . So the doctor had said yes if we feel that it safe you will be able to go for 24 hours . So my aunt arranged everything for her the hospital bed , she cleaned her house and went to go buy the food she wanted to eat . If you asked my her what her favorite food was that she really wanted to eat she would of said and she did say ; cheese and bread , she just loved cheese and spicy things !

The date was set on the 24th of June we were going to her house and have a beautiful meal with her . My aunt called us the night before and said I don't think she will go home she is not feeling well enough … we all thought screw it she wants to go home we will take her to home . So the next day we arrive at the palliative care , my mom , my daughter , my aunt , sister and brother . Their was missing my brother Jonathan but he had a fishing trip planned and my grandma said go I want you to go and when you come back stop by . My grandma was white like a ghost , her breathing sounded like a coffee machine when it's brewing , she has water in both lungs , she was not well , and so we didn't get to bring her home . So instead we set up a table in the family room on the palliative floor , with all the cheese you can imagine , olives , bread , salami … As we served her , the nurse came and said she had to give her meds for her pain and for the water in her lungs that was starting to move up in her throat ! We asked her to wait because the medication made her woozy and we wanted her to enjoy her food .

So we all sat down trying to talk with her and then the nurse came back and said the doctor said I have to give it to her right away , so we let her did we have a choice it was that or she would choke . If their was one thing my grandma was afraid of it was choking , my aunt promised her that she wouldn't choke . She ended eating two bites of cheese one olive and then slowly she fell asleep , I had to remove the plate from her hands because she would of dropped it . We all were trying to keep her awake but we didn't succeed . We all cried , we were angry , we were sad filled with questions , mad at the doctor for not waiting . The doctor assured that it wasn't the mess who made her sleep . She , I think felt at peace , my mom , my aunt and I slept at the hospital that night , we knew what was coming but never did we expect it . They kept her in her sleep all the way till the end , we never got a chance to say bye , to say we loved her , to make peace .

The next morning the doctor came and said ; she's leaving , she was starting to turn greenish , her breathing got worst . As I laid beside her I freaked out , I wanted to go with her in my moment of despair , I didn't want her to leave me here ! So we stayed there and it was cruel because we were just waiting for that last breath and at some pont her breathing got so bad because the water was going up , the nurses had to give her 3 needles to make her heart stop . Meanwhile , my brother arrived from his fishing trip , my grandma heart was bigger that other people it kept pumping and pumping . All her organs had shut down except for her heart . She didn't want to go I know it , and then 3 more shots , I laid on her arm close to her chest . Everyone kept on telling her go you can can go , I was being selfish I kept telling her don't leave ! Her heart finally stopped at 1:15 pm , on her last breath she opened her eyes and that image is stuck in my head forever .

The nurses cried , the doctor too , it was sad. It was hard to close that door knowing never would I see her again , she was my best friend,my grandma , my shoulder to cry on , one of my favorite persons ! I miss her everyday , sometimes I want to call her , to remember she isn't there anymore ! I love her more than words and on that note I leave you a Hopi poem since she loved Native Americans:

Do not stand at my gave and weep
I am not there,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight
On the ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there.
I did not die.
My Spirit is still alive…

Credits of the poem @literarylew

Tiffany Barba

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Anti-bullying day! 

So last Wednesday half of the world put on a pink shirt to spread awareness against bullying I participated since it is something very dear to my heart ! As a young girl I was bullied in elementary school all the way threw high school ! I even had my daughter participate because I feel that it’s important to teach children and make them aware of this problem that is so very frequent everywhere, even as a adult you can get bullied ! Did you participate in the #pinkshirtpromise movement ? Here’s our picture ⬇️ 

Tiffany Barba 

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I’m back 

Becoming a mother is one of the most beautiful experiences you can have. I mean that’s what we see everyday on social media and that’s what they make you believe , but only a few of us moms can actually say how it really is ! Now don’t get me wrong when saying this my children are my pride and joy but during the process I lost myself a little bit ! 

Before I had the twins I had everything under control my image, my brain even my hygiene ! I was comfortable in my own skin my mental health was remarkably “sane” everything was fine ! Then they showed up I remember the first time I got to meet them it was the most beautiful day of my life just like when I met my daughter for the first time ! I had everything under control the house was clean , the bills were paid dinner was made , I was A-okay! What happened after 3 months was I lost complete control of everything although this is embarrassing I had stopped taking care of me , I could spend sometimes 4 days without showering , I didn’t feel like cleaning the house , I didn’t feel like taking care of myself I lived to take care of the babies and my daughter . I felt like I lost my fucking mind literally, I felt alone and in prison in my body , my mind and my self image. This lasted over a year , I could go to the grocery store and feel perfectly fine and then just out of the blue I felt like breaking down , tears in my eyes just wanting to burst out at any given moment . When that happened I would rush to the cash and get out as fast as I can , I’m a very social person and I always smile at people but I had developed a fear of being in public . It got worst when driving my daughter to school I would look at the other moms who had it all figured out and I was the one who was always running around like a chicken with no head ! Even my relationship was going down the drain I was exhausted emotionally, physically, I didn’t feel like doing anything. I know what your thinking “post-partum depression” who was am I kidding of course it was . I thought going back to work would make me feel better but no I felt out of place , and working in the health field taking care of the elderly and not being able to take care of them like I wanned killed it for me , so I quit ! I changed jobs I started working for schools which is a breath of fresh air but the female dynamic is terrible ! Working with women is and can be emotionally and psychologically draining , they are mean ( some of them) actually most of them and always competing with one in other . Unfortunately I let that affect me little too much I spent a lot of nights not sleeping well and I was stressed of going to work the next day . See I was bullied from elementary all threw high school and I promised myself that never again I would allow someone to bring me down , I would fight back but in a work environment you have to keep your mouth shut in order to keep your job right ? 

Well this was my wake up call this morning I woke up and I decided it was enough ! I am going to be ME again the amazing mom, the strong woman that I am , the responsible adult , the go getter that I always was and I’m going to take care of me because I am important ! From now on I’m going to treat people the same way they treat me no more nice girl I refuse to go down that road again and I refuse to have the minimum given to me I will not have it ! I’m done feeling sorry for myself , I’m done not taking care of myself , I’m going to be the same kind giving soul that I am but with people who deserve my kindness ! Thanks for reading I will keep you posted ! 
Tiffany Barba 

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Hygge is the new “in thing ” in 2017, yet it’s been around for years and people have been practicing it for like EVER and that’s why they are part of the happiest countries in the world ! Can you guess what country I’m talking about ? Denmark! The word hygge is originated by a Norwegian word that means ” well-being” ! 

What is hygge about and why are people talking about it so much ! Hygge is about finding happiness /coziness in the little things you like to do example : sitting by a fire with a bunch of friends or having a dinner with your family . You can’t do those things without lighting a candle see people who practise hygge associate it with lighting , and for that you need the perfect lighting! It’s about creating soothing pool of lights to create the perfect hygge environment , you can buy different small lamps or candles and make the room feel alive . What can you associate hygge with ; parties, candles , fire place , dinner with friends , booze , spa day , book ect Did I say desserts ?!? Yes , money can’t buy happiness but it can buy you a lot of sweets ! Hygge is about feeling cozy , happy , decorate your home feel the hygge , make It so that when you open the door after a long day your happy to be home ! 

By researching online I found a lot of information about hygging and how to do it correctly ! I also bought myself a beautiful book about it where you can find scientifical facts about hygge , recipes and so much more ! You can buy the book here if ever you want to read it ; 

Hope you liked my mini article about hygge , get your Hygge on ! 

Tiffany barba 

Posted in Express

This morning I’m at the hospital god I love coming here ( sarcasm ) !  See I have a small cancer in my lady parts so I’m here to do a biopsy , again !

First of all, that shit is painful as f*** even if the specialist says it doesn’t hurt , she probably read that in the books because totally not true ! They cut a piece of you with a scalpel so you think it wouldn’t hurt at all right ( hahaha) . My appointment was at 9:40 am I arrived 5 minutes late , the secretary makes a funny face because I know she saw that I was late and says to me thankfully you’re not that late the doctor only accepts 15 minutes or else you have to reschedule. Well, I replied to the secretary with a beautiful smirk on my face: that’s funny because you have to wait 45 minutes in her office just to see her ! Her face was priceless, and I thought I was hilarious ( as always ) . Now it’s 10:17 still waiting , can you imagine I know theirs a lot of notes to take and follow ups and stuff when you’re a doctor but it’s always so freakin long . At least it gives me time to write about it , stres about it …. All you can read on the walls is about cancer you know that famous C word no one likes , ya well it’s everywhere ! Way to go for a stress free zone , but I get it we need to be aware of C words and all but I can’t help being stressed about it especially that I have it ! 10:22 still no doctor , maybe I should make her wait since she’s more than 15 minutes late !  So I’m having a beautiful conversation here with my phone , exciting , I’ve thought about the fact that I was hungry like 3 times , then checked Facebook , then stared at the creepy posters of the C word now wondering what’s this lady doing , it’s 10:30 now btw ! I’ve been here for 40 freaking minutes , I feel like I’m torturing myself because I’m waiting for a pain examination. So I’ve been waiting for 40 minutes for pain ! Every time she’s late I feel like giving her shit but I don’t cause I have respect ( unfortunately) ! I’m missing a day at work for this , she clearly isn’t !! This is Quebec’s health care system for you , a couple of pictures for you ! I snap chatted , its now 10:45 folks where’s the doctor , I would have time to die 4 times and be reanimated and still be waiting ! It’s now 11:13 im in my car , going home ! P.s: I cried like a baby shit this hurts ! 


Tiffany barba

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like a freshly planted seed I learn to grow in my enviroment, as a sprout I grow in my world amongs the others, as a child i learn to play, count ,respect love and care for others, as I grow and flower I am beautiful so beautiful, I find love, love like the sun feeds me , my baby sprouts will grow strong and happy i am so devoted to them , as time goes by my sprouts have flowered like me , my leaves arent as pretty and fresh as they used to be but their hanging on , here comes a storm my children made it threw but one of my leaves fell off ,i am weak ,I find myself laying in this bed where people come in and out , I feel exposed , alone,broken,dry,cold is this all their is ,  is this the end, I pray god they be nice to me please don’t hurt me please respect my dignity, my privacy, my children are too busy for me, my love my dear love i will meet you soon my leaves are falling one by one I am weak I am delicat , time is going by so fast , this is not what I wanned for my life , I grew, I shined and like a flower without anymore leaves I died , I am in peace no more worries, I am happy beautiful shinning , dear children,  dear health workers , hopefully you were kind I was just like a dusty old book that no one would dare touch but if you opened to the first page you would of seen am amazing so much storys to tell , so much to share, I am somebody i am important, I loved, I laughed, I cried now am resting up in the sky I love it here …….. I am a fresh new seed and this is my life ❤
wrote this on my first stage a big eye opener for you health workers out there !!!

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2017 ….. 

A new year has started it’s time to be optimistic that things will be great . I usually don’t believe in resolutions because it’s a well known fact that we only make a couple of them happen.

This year , I would love to stop smoking cigarettes , oh gosh do I stink ! I would also love to have more money coming in so I’m going to get a second job ! Just like many of us I have debts unfortunately, therefor I want to learn to manage my money better ! Since the arrival of the twins and my hubby not working for a whole winter we’ve have had a hard time going back up the hill financially. As I’m writing to you I don’t even have a phone line because it’s been cut off for the millionth time ! I work for the school board since October and since they upgraded my position I haven’t had a pay in a month . I have always been in the denial about my financial situation because I can’t come to terms with it . I’m a very optimistic person so I know better days are ahead , but no one knows when , not even me ! At least we have food a roof and clothes and so much love to give . The funny thing is I’m struggling yet I can’t stop myself from helping others , I’ve bought food for a homeless man when I didn’t even have a lot for myself . I have a whole 5 dollar bill to the Salvation Army donation box and to a food bank society because they had helped me in the past and I thought it was my turn to give . I call those karma points every time you do something good for someone you get a point in your karma bank and maybe one day your karma bank will pay back . See some people are happy with just the minimum but I know I can’t I don’t want to give my children less than I had because that wouldn’t make sense to me . Just to clarify I’m not talking about materialistic things because we all know that material isn’t everything ! All that being said , I need to find a second job until I pay everything off , I need to feed my body three meals a day which I don’t . I’m use to not eating because of my past , when I was sixteen I was all by myself in Montreal and I didn’t have money for food so I would eat once a day and that was when I went to work ( I worked at McDonald’s) so if I didn’t work I didn’t eat but I worked 6 days a week so it was ok ! My body is used to that so I don’t really get hungry that much . Anyways , enough about all this sad stuff and let’s move on with the new .

So to finish my resolutions are being more good to my body , financial stability and stop smoking I have three and I think I should be able to follow these !

Happy New Years to all may you have greatness and happiness in your life !
Tiffany barba